shaking off the dust.

...Oh, hello, Blog.  How the title remains so appropriate!  Mar 25, 2013, it is snowing. My daughter is at daycare--she's 7.5 months.  My how time flies! I'm studying for Step 2 of Boards.  And I got inspired to open up the blog world again. It might be easier to document and share the growth of our daughter and the continuing challenges we as a family take on.  Yep, Look both Ways and then Jump. Well, dusting off the cobwebs of studying and posting and sharing....

I see the last entry was about the camaraderie second year students.  Wow, hard to believe that all of my friends have matched into their residencies and are going on with their careers.  I'm in a holding pattern.  I don't regret it at all---it is just the timing of life.  I do regret not being able to be fully 100% present for my daughter and for "mommy-hood."  At least she's an abundantly happy child.  I could not be any luckier in that aspect of life.  So, I'll take it.

Let's see if Blogger has made posting pics any easier...hmmm, I don't see how to put pics in.  Also, forgive me if this gets sent to people.  I'm not sure what the settings are still set to...Oh look, it [the picture] is there! Yep, that's what consumes my days now.  I'm a med student-milk-pumping-working-mom. Gotta drink enough fluids to get enough milk to feed my daughter---at least 3x a day at 30min a pop.  Making sure I eat and drink enough so I can pump enough for her is a full-time obsession. Formula is so much easier, but I just can't bring myself to give her formula after 7 months of breastfeeding. We've made it this far...what's another few months to give her the Best? And studying? Damn, remember when ALL I had to do was study?

Crazy. These are good times

Yes, it has been a LONG time since my last post. Not sure how to write this and it is not my most eloqent of writings...it is late, so it is just off the cuff, but it is something I've been thinking about for a few days, and maybe even a few weeks. So...

I'm enjoying the closeness that we're feeling as 2nd year med students. We are all facing the same challenge of balancing Boards studying with keeping up with coursework (somehow) while also being on the verge of something huge and unknown for all of us. I'm noticing that people are smiling to each other (even while they are swirling in the waves of stress and studying). Just today, 2 people who I didn't think knew my name, said Hi! to me today. I guess after over 1.5 years together, people recognize me as I recognize them. (even better b/c I don't know their names!)

What is this process that is happening? Are we all uniting because we are all in this same disorganized uncertain boat together? I am finding myself in a wonderful group of friends---something for which I hoped, but definitely something that I did not expect to develop. Med school is a weird world. Oftentimes, you don't know who are truly your friends and who are just "using you" or who will be worth the investment. As I was co-studying for Boards with

one of my closest friends, Rich, it occurred to me: I cannot go back to a single period of time in my life and say, "Man, that was a great time." Perhaps that time is now? Sure, med school is awful. There are soooo many tears, so much stress, so much sleeplessness, so much caffeine, so much unhealthy habits, and so many uncomfortable experiences. But somehow, we go through this process together. We are going through something that our families, loved ones, husbands/boyfriends/partners/girlfriends don't understand. Unless you have been through it, you just don't get it. And yet we are getting through it together---individually, but together.

That's why I call co-studying----it is when you meet a friend and just study in the same proximity without talking to each other. We are sooo exhausted and none of us really WANT to study the umpteen million hours that are required to prepare for Step 1 of the Boards, but we know we have to do it. So, we have made ourselves "accountability buddies." It is the same concept as a running buddy---he keeps you going when you would really stop, and he keeps you accountable.

Over the years, I've recognized that I cannot look back on a single time period in my life that I looked back on with fondness. There have been moments, but nothing like a period of time that I can remember anything other than burning the candle at both ends. I have been working hard for years---going someplace in the future (med school), working towards school---doing well in high school so I could get to a good college so I could get to med school (and then all the graduate courses, working a full-time job and a part-time job), and then moving and working and moving...All of this upward moving always trying to get on to the next stage, the next step, working towards something bigger and better. Now, I'm realizing that maybe NOW is a good time. Sure it is a TON of work, and as I've said, med school is nothing close to comfortable. And not to mention having a business-traveling husband who spends weeks away at a time (not at all what we had planned), this has not been an easy time. Yet, as I was trying to write earlier about the closeness I'm feeling right now with my classmates, I think now might be a good time. Now might be a time I can look back on years from now and say, "Man, that was really hard, but I have some great memories, and I've made some life-long friends." I truly believe that---med school transforms you. It transforms your world-view. It influences every bit of you. It hurts. It is invigorating. It is amazing. It is overwhelming. It makes you feel completely 100% inadequate for most of the time. Someone else is always studying more and doing more and knowing more. Completely utterly inadequate---this is the message constantly given to us.

It definitely affects your ability to communicate and function with other humans. It is a beast. There have been so many times when I thought that going to medical school was the absolute worst idea EVER. Sometimes I still think that. Take Boards: we are studying for an exam that will have such little meaning in our clinical lives---but it is a necessary step.

Anyway, as this is not the most eloquent writing I've ever done, I'm going to go to bed. All week, I've been waking up around 5:30am and starting my day. Tomorrow I have my OSCE---it is the final exam of the primary skills class where we have our Standardized Patients. This is about the absolute LAST thing I feel like doing right now. All I want to do is study for Boards, and yet, I have to interact with a fake patient. Awesome--and get videotaped and graded on my skills, my interaction, and my documentation. I usually really enjoy these, though---except for this one which is 40% of our final grade, at least! Oh geeze. They love throwing random work on us.

And yet I still state: Maybe these are the good times? I can't even remember Christmas break---it is April 1st, and January 1st feels like MONTHS and MONTHS ago...Sigh...

Oh geeze, I have to turn to bed.

Oh, sunday nights in Med school...

Oh, it has been a while since I've written a blog. Oh med school, how I hate you sometimes! I have nothing but complaining to do right now. Here is it Sunday night. I had a lovely weekend with Chris. We went to the Philadelphia Museum of Art Friday night for jazz and wine and to casually tour the Museum. Afterwards, we had dinner with friends. Saturday, we cleaned and got ready for a small dinner party. Oftentimes, I need the incentive of having people over to clean! School is just sooo frustrating at times. There is just always something that needs to be done. ALWAYS. What a drain. I'm feeling way too old for this crap. Like I said, we had a lovely weekend, but now I have so much work to do, it is ridiculous. We had an exam last Monday, and it took a few days to recover from that. I wish exams didn't take so much out of me!!!

oh but I digress: back to the weekend. Today, while I did not intend for it to take a few hours, we worked on the garden planting all of our bulbs. We planted irises, daffodils, tulips (two types), Dutch wildflowers (I think that's what they are called), crocuses, and hyacinths. We scattered them around the space that we've decided will be all flowers in the garden next year.

Sigh...I suppose I should get to studying. I think the most difficult part about the second year of med school is just pushing through. Step 1 of Boards is in 7 months. Then, I get to the floors and start rotations. That feels like an absolute eternity from now. Morale is down, we're all getting more and more cynical and sarcastic and just tired of this crap. Tired of constant schedule changes, constantly having something that must get done, tired of feeling "guilty" when we should be studying but aren't, tired of people just wasting our time. Oh the joy. Remembering how hard we all worked to get here and how much we have already been through to stay here offer such little relief these days. The future feels sooooooo far. We have some major decisions before us (picking our J-groups--the order in which we do our rotations for the next two years), and very little information on how to do it. Yeah, sounds like being in the 20s all over again.

See? Told you this was nothing but complaining....

Starting Week 5

(from Sept 14, 2009...unpublished until now...)
Okay, Week 4 was just weird even though it was only 4 days. I survived my first exam of my medical school career on Friday of Week 3. Oh, it was rough. I am in good company with folks who think likewise. At the very least I'm using it as a gauge to adjust my focus for the next exam---which is Oct. 2.

So, Week 4, we started dissecting "Edna's" face. (Have I mentioned we named our cadaver "Edna"?) That was the one thing none of us were looking forward to doing. And, it did not go well. The muscles of the face are very superficial (on the surface) and are mixed in with the superficial layer---which means that when you skin the face as opposed to the arm or the back, you take most of the nerves and muscles off with the skin. Unless you're careful. Well, our group wasn't so careful. Lovely. I'll leave it at that.

The next day we were in lab, we were all very, very careful. I did what I usually do and read the manuals (yes, we have two that we have to flip back and forth between. It is quite annoying, especially when neither one really gives us the information we need!!!), and while the guys were cutting (just how it happened...we're usually okay splitting up the cutting), we started talking about health care reform. I care deeply about this topic, and well, I guess the sleep deprivation, getting heated up over the Republican reaction to Obama's speech last week, and the anatomy lab fumes (and my completely saturated in chemicals and body oils) all combined to give me hives. I started to feel uncomfortable and next thing I knew, my arms were on fire from my shoulders all the way down to the tips of my fingers. My ears were on fire and my neck was starting to burn. Lovely. In a nutshell, I left lab and went searching for some benadryl (which our school bookstore does not sell...that's another story), and ended up in the Family Medicine Practice on campus. I knew the doctor working that day very well (we're in the Medical Humanities together) and it was a comical reunion. Welcome to medical school!

On Friday, I had my first Standardized Patient. These are patient-actors and are how we get our practice interviewing and giving physical exams. That did not go as well as I had wanted to, but hey, I'm a first year! That's what I'm going with---it surprised me how I was not quite sure how to handle this role of interviewing a "patient" as a medical student. I know that sounds weird, but there were details that i did not know if I should go over with him or how I should answer his questions. I'm very comfortable interviewing patients, but not under the conditions of being videotaped AND graded! One of my friends said that folks who have actual experience interviewing patients can find these simulated patients more difficult. That's so true! Well, again, better luck next time. Bottom line is I have to be more confident and assertive.

Now it is the beginning of Week 5. We get our exams back today. We also are given our Stethoscopes today by the Pennsylvania Osteopathic Medicine Association. These are the same people who are giving us our White Coats.

Well, I hope this week goes better. Chris is home now, and we're dealing with paperwork and immigration stuff. I heard last week that Mercury is in retrograde. I hope the cosmics align slightly more in my favor this week, but hey, I'll deal with just the local level of things working this week!

I hear Mercury was in retrograde, and that's what I'm going with for the cosmic events!

a new Journey: Medical School

from Monday, Aug 17th, 2009

Today I began a journey of a different type. Today was my first day of medical school. Wowee! Zowee! My goodness, this is really happening! We started the day at 8am talking about history taking, developing clinical skills, and what else we will be learning in the patient skills lab.

Then, after a somewhat brief overview and introduction and a lecture on terminology and landmarking, we went to the Anatomy Lab. I am extremely optimistic about my anatomy group. We seem to get along really well---after having spent some time together last week during Orientation. We are all on the same page, it seems, and man, it feels so good to be around what seems to be like-minded folk! Yay!

We met our cadaver this morning. Is it humane to use that term? Somehow I don't think it is. We watched a video before lab about the bequesting process. Is that the right term? We essentially spent the time in lab after the video prepping ourselves and our "bequest" (is that better?) for Wednesday's beginning dissection.

How absolutely amazing that we are going to be learning things about her that her physicians, family, and even she did not know. So, far, the most prominent feature is her mastectomy scar. She could have been a woman I interviewed in my two years at DFCI---while it is highly unlikely, it is still possible.

Sunday, August 23rd, 2009

Wow, one week of medical school finished, and here I am on the eve of week Two. It boggles my mind to go through how much ground we covered in just one week. It is both exciting and exhausting. Of course, I managed to catch (or just develop from lack of sleep) a sinus infection/cold/sore throat/fever. Way to go, Jen! Woohoo! Feel crummy the first week of this incredible journey! Well, maybe it'll make this coming week better just to know that heck, at least I'm not feeling crummy! Okay, that's what I'm hoping for.

I really don't have much to say except that I know that I am one of 270 people who feel pretty much the same way. How can we feel so far behind already? How are we so exhausted? How can we squeak more time into the day? How can we squeeze more studying into our schedules? Professors are telling us non-stop how important it is to keep on top of things. To what extent can we do that? Only one professor told us that our personal health comes second to our studying. No matter, family is at least 3rd in the list of priorities. We need the support, there is no doubt (everyone keeps saying that) to get through what we're doing, but we don't need the distractions. That's at least what I'm taking from this. OR, we just need to limit our distractions and breaks. I have friends who have gone through this same thing and all are so very encouraging. Some are reminding me to stay balanced and healthy. Others are reminding me to give them a call for a late-night study session pep-talk. I swear I have the best friends in the world!

If the crap from the wedding didn't prove that, then this sure is! I truly have the best friends in the world! :)

I can't believe on our second day of class, we were talking about interviewing patients! I love it! Holy cow! We're talking REAL stuff now! This is training for the rest of our lives. It is still exciting. And exhausting. We also stripped down to sports bras and running shorts for OMM (osteopathic manipulative medicine) lab on the second day and located various anatomical landmarks on our partners. Oh yeah. Nice to meet you! May I palpate your acromion process, posterior superior iliac crest, and your pubic symphysis? It would be nice to have Chris here so I can practice on him. I don't think the stuff will work quite the same with our cat, Callie.

Okay, I can't dilly-and-dally too long. I must say that being so busy with school makes it easier that Chris is in Malaysia. He left Wednesday morning. I miss him---but I also know that I am very tied up with school. I won't even say busy because that doesn't even capture the sentiment. I've cancelled two dinners this weekend because I just didn't feel comfortable and ready to take a break. Not yet. Not just now.

Shoot! I really hope my new glasses come in tomorrow. It is the only day I can get out early enough to go pick them up. Say Hello! to progressive lens bifocals!

oh, one more thing: Apparently, there is an actual hockey rink in the mall close to Chris's hotel in Malaysia. He is so happy!!! You can take the boy out of Canada, but you sure can't take the hockey out of the boy! :)

...now, I really must get going!

in switzerland

greetings¦¦
I still cannot believe we are here in Switzerland. If I could find the exclamation point on the keyboard I would use it a lot. Chris surprised me with a trip hre at our wedding on Sunday which was beautiful and wonderful and absolutely amazing!! (found it!!!!!) He told me about it in front of everyone after the cake cutting. That was a splendid surprise and I bet there are a ton of pictures of me completely and utterly surprised!! We left on Wednesday.

Yes, did I write that our wedding was amazing¨----yes, it was incredible!!!

we are in Gimmelwald which is the place I came in 2005 with my friend Jade. It is just as amazing the second time around!!

okay, he is standing next to me saying we need to head out.

Friday night on Green Lane

(Picture is taken on the grounds of the Golden Mount.)
Wow, we have been back in the US for 1 week.  In some ways, it feels as though we never left.  We are simply sliding back into our pre-Bangkok lives.  I picked up Daisy, my car, from a friend's house last night, and I was so relieved to discover that I can actually still operate a car with manual transmission.  Walking around town feels oddly normal---it feels distant and yet like we were just here last month.  Of course we didn't get to see the seasons change, and I have to remind myself that it is the middle of 2009 right now and not January, the month we left Philadelphia.  

This is the first time I've had this experience of leaving a place for a number of months and then returning to the same place.  It feels odd to be back in some ways.  Did that whole experience in Thailand really happen?  Were we really gone for 4 months---and a month before that?  I see we have pictures from it, and obviously, there is this blog.  Still, things are so familiar.  

Things are so familiar and yet we are still craving change.  Chris and I are so tired of STUFF.  We have so much stuff.  I think living away from so much of it for so long has made us want to scale down on what we own.  Tonight, he says to me as we head to a friend's BBQ, "How about we get rid of it all?"  

"All of it?" I ask.  

"Yes, all of it."  

Wow, I can't quite bring myself to do that---I am too attached to most of my things.  But it does raise a question: Why not at least make a huge effort to reduce?  I do believe we need to scale down.  We need to become more realistic in our thinking of how much time we really have to dedicate to so many things.  Purge the system!  Clear out all but the essential things.  Oh, it is so hard because we are both such sentimental, overly optimistic, packrats.  For example, I honestly thought I was going to have time to use all of my skeins of yarn, read books 4, 5, and 6 of the Harry Potter books, read all of my NEJM issues from the past year, and catch up on my Yoga Journals while in Thailand.  Even now, I am having to remind myself that I cannot possibly read all of the books that I have on my bedside table before school starts.  What things are worth keeping and what things are just weighing us down?  

So, we are trying something new this weekend.  We are going to continue ridding ourselves of things---mostly cooking things we have but don't like and coming to terms with the fact that there's no way we are going to read all of the material we have accumulated.  We have both returned to Philadelphia exhausted from carrying so much baggage.  Oh gosh, it pains me to imagine getting rid of some of my books---I really did mean to read all of them!!  But, reality is bearing its head, and when stuff become burdensome, it is time to purge! 

Our cat, Callie, is getting used to us again.  Goodness, I missed her.  She's assertively meowing to me---MEOW! MEOW!  I wish I understood Cat because it does not make sense that she runs away after clearly trying to get my attention! Crazy cat! It is going to be nice to have her company while Chris is in Malaysia.  

I do wonder: How would our last 6 months be different if we were not planning a wedding?  What in the world would be doing with our time?  We've spent all week going between wedding planning and purging/cleaning our apartment and reinventing our home.  We are so happy to know that we are staying here for a while.  The first thing we did our first day back home was rearrange the bedroom---for some reason, it was of utmost importance to me to have things rearranged.  I needed to create something new in our "old" apartment---even though we only lived here for 4 months before heading to Thailand.  Somehow, that was the OLD place.  

Okay, well, I keep adjusting to life back here.  It was sooo good to get away from Philadelphia. I know we both needed the change and the experience away.  No, I did not do nearly as many things while in Thailand as I had wanted to do.  And I am still at a loss of words when people ask, "So, what did you do while Chris worked?"  I still HATE that question.  How do I say, "Well, I got a taste of what it is going to be like for Chris while I'm in medical school, though, without the whole 'living in a foreign country' bit."